A Safe Seat at the Table: A Step-by-Step Guide to Safe Holidays

As the holidays bring us together, they can also amplify the stress and anxiety of managing food allergies in social settings. In this episode, Dr. Whitehouse provides a comprehensive and specific decision-making framework for navigating holiday gatherings with food allergies. I discuss how to balance the importance of safety with the desire to enjoy this special season, offering actionable strategies for setting and holding boundaries, organizing the day to minimize risks, and communicating your needs clearly to others. Through real-life examples and scenarios, this episode equips you with practical tools to advocate for yourself and manage anxiety, so you can feel empowered to make choices that honor both your health and holiday joy. 

Special thanks to Kyle Dine for permission to use his song The Doghouse for the podcast theme
www.kyledine.com

You can find Dr. Whitehouse at thefoodallergypsychologist.com and on Instagram (@thefoodallergypsychologist) and Facebook (Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, Food Allergy Anxiety Psychologist)
Email: welcome@dramandawhitehouse.com

Transcript

squadcaster-jc83_1_11-07-2024_192124: 0:00

This fall and don't feed the fear. We are talking about advocating for ourselves. Today, we'll talk about how to advocate for ourselves at holiday gatherings. It's that time of year when our calendars are busy with get togethers, which are supposed to be fun, but can often be stressful for us. And no, I'm not talking about how to navigate political discussions. That is a topic for another show and another psychologist. I'm going to walk you through the approach that I use to support my clients with handling food and their allergies at holiday get togethers. I have sort of a loose framework that I use with my clients that I'm going to share with you today can help you get a clearer picture of what a holiday that is both safe and happy might look like for you. And how to create it.

Speaker: 0:48

Welcome to the Don't Feed the Fear podcast, where we dive into the complex world of food allergy anxiety. I'm your host, Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, food allergy anxiety psychologist and food allergy mom. Whether you're dealing with allergies yourself or supporting someone who is, join us for an empathetic and informative journey toward food allergy calm and confidence.

squadcaster-jc83_1_11-07-2024_192124: 1:11

Thanks for tuning back into Don't Feed the Fear. We're going to talk about the way that I work through decisions about many things, but in this case specifically the holidays with families who are managing food allergies. Many families already do have a routine in terms of how they navigate holidays. That's working pretty well for them. Hopefully if that's you, this might help you tinker with that a little bit. If there are things that you want to shift or change, or it might help you recognize where some of those things are actually not working for you and you might like to make bigger changes in terms of how you, handle things. It might also encourage you to shift one direction or the other in terms of recognizing that what you really feel like is a safety concern might actually be your anxiety or your child's anxiety interfering with the holiday looking and feeling the way that you want it to. I would encourage you to really listen to this with honesty about your emotions and the extent to which your decisions are based on the facts versus the emotions, which can't be removed from the picture, but we can consciously choose. the extent to which we want those to be a deciding factor. If you are newer to the food allergy life, or if you are not new, but you really are still feeling very stuck on how to navigate the holidays and how to make decisions about gatherings, then I would encourage you to treat this like an actual exercise that you're going to work through together with me as if you were in my office. So if that were the case, I would suggest that you get out a piece of paper. and have something to write with. From low to high, or from the bottom to the top of this page, we're going to consider whether we are low, medium, or high on two factors. Separate the paper into thirds with that bottom third being low, the middle third of the page being medium, and then the top half being considered high. On the left is how high our concern is, as far as safety and managing the food allergy appropriately. On the right side of the paper will be the level of control that we choose to exert over how the day unfolds. Separate it down the middle, the left hand side being concern and the right hand side being control. First let's focus on the level of concern. So on the left hand side of your page, start to jot down notes as I ask you these questions in the appropriate areas, depending on what. the information is true for you. It's not going to be an exact mark. We're going to find the range within which it seems we fall depending on these questions. So number one, obviously the most important thing to consider is the severity of the allergy. So questions to ask here are, Number one, what has your allergist advised you to do? Of course, I'm never giving you medical advice in terms of what is safe for you to eat or what risks are okay for you to take or not okay for you to take, but hopefully your allergist specifically has. So keep that in mind if your allergist has said it's okay to do this. It's okay to be around people who are eating this food as long as your child is not touching it or it's not on its plate, as long as there's no cross contact. If your allergist has said you don't need to be concerned about an extreme case such as an airborne reaction. Make a note of that. If your allergist has said, yes, your child is a toddler and based on the information that we have, your child being in the phase of life where they're putting their hands in their mouth constantly, where people might be kissing your child on the face, here is the level of carefulness that I suggest that you follow and rate that from low to medium to high. So for example, if your allergist has said yes, There's a very high chance of cross contact if you, you absolutely must avoid these things, then that would be kind of a high or somewhere in the medium to high and this of course is going to be the most important factor in determining how you're going to proceed with your holidays. The next thing to consider is your reaction history. Always follow your doctor's advice. However, if your experience, your reaction history, or your child's reaction history suggests or indicates to you that a higher level of caution is needed based on the reactions that you've had, then Even if your allergist has kind of said, well, that's not very common, that doesn't usually happen, trust your gut and trust your own experience and your body's experience or your child's experience. We want to follow our doctor's advice, but many of us, unfortunately, including myself, have been in a situation where the doctor didn't really believe what I knew had happened to my child's body. So, on the scale of low, medium to high in terms of caution and concern, make a note of that. If your experience shows that you need perhaps a little bit higher level of caution than your allergist has indicated. Make a note of that in terms of reaction history. What was the thing that happened? did your child have a reaction from contact on the skin without ingesting the allergen? Does your child have a history of cross contact reactions or things that would be unexpected? Versus they've been in that scenario many times and they've never had a reaction. Has your child been around their siblings eating peanut butter at the table every day? Washing all the dishes in the same sink, it's never been a concern. You be the judge of this based on your life experience. Another factor, of course, that's going to be important is what your allergens are. If you have one allergen, that's a pretty common one to avoid. This is a lot easier to navigate than if you have a long list of allergens. And of course it depends on the holiday too and how common your allergens are for that specific holiday. If you're just managing A peanut allergy. It can be pretty easy for people to create a meal that doesn't have any nuts or that's free of cross contamination because typically that's labeled well and that's something that other people can understand really well. Things that get more complicated are things like How sesame allergy is complicated now with the addition of sesame into many foods that didn't typically have it or that we wouldn't expect to have it. dairy and egg of course are always difficult to navigate when people are baking or cooking homemade foods and they might put a pat of butter and something or a splash of milk and a sauce to thicken it. Things like that, that people don't think of when they're not managing allergies on a day to day basis. That will be a really big factor and something that you already know well in terms of how easy or complicated is it for your particular set of allergens to be navigated and understood by other people. And then last, I want you to consider the anxiety levels. Your anxiety level, and if you're a parent, also your child's anxiety level about the allergies. If you simply will not enjoy the holiday under a particular circumstance, then it is important to acknowledge that. It can be very difficult when your anxiety is high, though, to distinguish between what feels like it's truly a safety issue and what is your fear or your anxiety holding you back from enjoying and relaxing. This is not a criticism of your anxiety. This is not me recommending a let's rip off the band aid approach. If there is anxiety that's preventing you from interacting in a certain way or enjoying a certain experience. If we force ourselves or if we force our children into highly anxiety provoking situations with little sense of safety and control, with little support or against their will. If it's done because of pressure, not a true internal motivation to do something and to try to work toward a change that we want to make, we will make the problem worse. We will give the body even more evidence that it's not safe and will trigger the nervous system even more deeply Which then leads to the anxiety becoming more deeply entrenched in the body. The goal for a holiday or a special celebration is different from the work we are doing every day, long term on our anxiety. We tip the scales more toward enjoyment than toward growth, because of course, these are special days. We want to enjoy them. That's the point. So that said, consider practicing the expansion of your comfort zones on the actual holidays as an important part of changing things, but perhaps a long term goal versus an immediate need. So in terms of rating this from low to medium to high, obviously your own emotional response and your own physiological anxiety response are something that only you can sense, but also Consider what people have said to you. Consider what you know to be true in terms of how you approach things versus other people with allergies. And if you know that a lot of your avoidance, a lot of your hesitation is not based on the things that we've already talked about, which is your doctor's advice and your specific experience. But if you're avoiding it, And you don't have as much factual evidence to support the need to avoid that, then there is a high chance that that is your anxiety contributing to whatever that behavior is, whatever you're avoiding or afraid to engage in. The next thing you're going to mark still on the left side of the page under the level of concern is the support. Who do you have to help you? Who will you be surrounded by on the specific holiday that you are talking about? And of course, in this case, we're going to reverse it because A high level of support and understanding from our family and friends and loved ones will help to make us safer. And a low level of support or understanding, judgment, criticism from the people that we're spending our time with is more need for concern. So for this one, reverse it in terms of where you mark this. If you have A lot of people around you who don't get it, who don't take the allergy seriously, that is a high risk. If you have tons of support, people believe you, people understand, they try to accommodate you, they communicate with you, they follow the instructions that they are given or the requests that you make, then that obviously gets marked on the low side because that is not contributing to the level of risk that we have of an actual reaction. The truth for most of us is that we have a mix of this. Hopefully, you have a few really great people. Hopefully, even better, most of them being really wonderful and understanding, but most of us have a mix of the two, which would put them somewhere in the middle. One thing that you can consider is for the specific holiday that you're thinking about, who, if you were to spend the holiday somewhere else, who would be the primary person responsible for the food? So if that person or those people are the ones who take your allergy seriously, then that's a lower level of concern. If those specific people are the ones who do tend to disregard, then that would be somewhere on the higher level. Once you've marked all of these things down, you can see what it's looking like. If most of your answers are falling within one range on the page, we have a very clear indication of level of concern in terms of safety surrounding the allergy. If they're all over the page, then it gets a little bit harder. Obviously we again give priority to what the doctor has said, what our body has experienced. Then we can factor in if our anxiety levels are higher or lower than that. And people that we're dealing with in the support system around us. So now we move to the other factor that we're talking about here, which, if you're doing this exercise on paper, it will be on the right hand side of your page, and that is. The level of control that you need to exert over the holiday gathering in order to make it safe. The highest level of control that we can have, of course, is to do everything ourselves. So there are different ranges and different ways that you can do this. The very highest being, of course, you have it in your home. You control the environment. You make all the food. You control everything that everyone's going to be eating. Nobody else brings anything. It's lots of work, but it also gives you a lot of control and input in regards to exactly how the day goes. So this is really high in terms of safety. The risk and the negative side of this is that unfortunately, it can create low connectivity and low enjoyment in regards to the meal being a family effort, to the meal feeling like a gathering of people together and contributing and sharing with one another. This is really stressful for the person who's responsible for everything. So oftentimes that's the mom of the food allergy kiddo doing everything. They're stressed for weeks leading up to the holiday because they're making lists. They are calling about cross contamination, they're shopping, they're making schedules of what needs to go in the oven when and what can be made ahead of time. And the whole family really feels that as does the family when they arrive for the gathering. Some people can pull it off. I've tried. I'm not great at it. The stress definitely shows and impacts the people around me. So this is a call that you have to make depending on your situation. A way to improve that a little bit is if this is what needs to happen for you, you can do it all together as a family, as the immediate family within the house, contributing together and enjoying it. And. viewing it as an opportunity to host the extended family to do something kind for their loved ones or friends that might be gathering and to connect together over, the food preparation, the shopping, the planning, learning to cook with the kids together. cooking together can be a really great experience. So if you need to do it this way, that's my suggestion. It makes it slightly less stressful. It takes some of the work off of your shoulders. Although if your Children are young, it can make, you know, the work even more, but it can be a little bit more enjoyable. And then the enjoyable part of the day isn't just sitting down to eat the meal, but it's really the time that you've spent with your family preparing it, the learning that they've done in terms of managing their allergies and shopping and cooking safely, and some pride in what they've created and what they're sharing with everyone who gathers together that day. Still pretty high, but a little less control would be to balance this out by asking family members to contribute in other ways that are safe. So, beverages are easy for other people to do safely. Bringing utensils and plates if you use disposable items. People who want to grab the pop and ice if they really want to be involved but you just aren't. Comfortable with them doing the food. They can get creative and they can make elaborate cocktails and mocktails. They can bring decor. They can decorate, make activities If you're one of those fun families that does minute to win at games or, or silly traditions and games together, or goes for a turkey trout run in the morning, you can involve other people who really want to contribute by asking them to take care of those things that are still an important part of the day, but aren't. The food preparation itself, another different version of this is eating on your own and then gathering with the family, but not eating with them. Or you can bring all your own food, which is separate from what the others are eating, or you can bring all of the food just for the person who is allergic. So at my house, we don't do this on holidays, but we've done it on other occasions. We often bring my son his own food to a get together. And if it's Something that we're attending as a family, depending on the circumstances, we'll all bring our own food as a family, and we'll all eat the same food with him. So, sometimes, some kids do feel bad if they eat their own food, some don't care. But if they do get upset about that, this can really help with the feelings of being left out, if it's something that we do as a family together. But of course that's really individualized depending on each person. Slightly different version of this is sometimes we'll do this and then bring one thing that is safe for us to share with everyone. So that way we get to enjoy something with everyone. Maybe your child will have their own. turkey and potatoes and stuffing, but you have brought a safe cookie or a safe pie that everyone can share. If necessary, they can get their serving of that first, or you can bring that already separately wrapped so it doesn't come into contact with the other food, but you've still contributed to the meal. You can still sit down and have fun. Hi with everyone else and enjoy the same food as others if that feels important to you, which sometimes it does. That's fun, especially when kids are young and especially if they have hard feelings about what they aren't able to eat. Bring that one safe thing to share with everyone, but make it fun. So beautiful and so delicious that everyone is raving about that amazing pie that you brought. Your child feels like they shared one of their favorites with everybody. And they feel again, a sense of pride and a sense of contribution to the family meal, instead of feeling like they're putting people out and that they're a burden or they are isolated. Another way that this can look is just doing a small family gathering with just your immediate family. It's wonderful to gather with people. It's a huge part of our tradition here in the States, but it doesn't have to be that way. We're not obligated to spend time with people and. This doesn't feel good to everybody, but especially if you have family who really isn't accommodating, who isn't sensitive to your needs and your safety, and it just feels miserable to gather with them, this is a circumstance where I would really encourage you to consider this. It can be really nice, and we've done this, On occasion in our house, not necessarily because of allergies, but either our needs because of illness. If our schedules have been tougher, there are times when we have chosen just to stay at our house to make our own food and just have dinner together, and it creates a different feel that is really nice and relaxing together and just focusing on each other's company instead of a huge, chaotic, busy day that sometimes can be draining. A reminder within this higher level of control in terms of your decisions, but this applies to everything you can't control everyone else. So I know people who host, they invite everyone to their house and whoever shows up shows up. Some people might come for a part of the day, some might decline altogether. They want their food their way or it doesn't work for their schedule, whatever their reasons may be. If you decide you need to go with this higher level of control, keep in mind that all you can do is put out the option for everyone to gather together and if people don't accept it, then that's their decision and not yours. So if we move down and we look at what would a moderate level of control over the day look like? This is probably where most families end up. And there's a wide range of what this might look like, of course, but it's somewhere in the middle. It's a group effort. We have some balance. Maybe you choose the most important or tricky part of the meal and you divide it up and depending on your allergies. This could vary quite a bit in terms of what that would mean for you. So, for example, for some, if you have nut allergies, the centerpiece of the meal, like a turkey or a ham, can be really simple for someone else to make safely. So, sure, you make the turkey and I'll bring the mashed potatoes or Sure. If you want to make the mashed potatoes, I'll give you the brands or even drop off the brand of dairy free butter and milk that's safe for our family or Here, I'll give you a list of the brands that we trust that are safe for us of prepared foods like frozen pies, frozen or pre prepared dinner rolls, anything that someone else can buy and bring, but you can give them what's safe and what will work for you and make it really clear for them. Another way that a lot of families do this is to make the major players in that meal safe. So, we're gonna make sure that the, the meat, The potatoes and the stuffing are all safe, and then everyone might bring a range of side dishes and desserts, and within that, you can find a couple things that will be safe for your child to eat, even if all of the dishes aren't going to be safe. So you can involve them in this. You can talk to them about what's usually at the meal, show them pictures, you can have them help you decide what they want to eat that day, what they would feel badly about missing out on, what they don't care about, what is worth stressing over, and what isn't. And then you can make those couple of things. Again, you can always set your helping aside and wrap it separately so that you're contributing it to the group meal. But having your serving separately, if necessary, and that way. There's a balance of safety, but more inclusion of your child in terms of there's lots of stuff. Plenty of food for you to eat. You're going to have a full belly. I'll make sure I make you that green bean casserole that you love, even though everything won't be safe for you. Lots of things will and we'll make it really clear in terms of what is. If there are things that aren't safe, but that you and your child want to try, just make a note of it so you can remember it and try it at home another time. This is an ongoing thing I do with my kids all the time. If anyone's ever eating something that we have to say no to, or we aren't sure about, so we say no to just to be safe, we make a note of it. We find a recipe, we make it at home, we make it even bigger and better than we saw it. Or sometimes we try and it flops and it's a disaster, but we have fun with it. And it helps us not to feel so left out and to feel like we're missing out when we know that we can still try that food, just not right now. The final area of that right side of your page, where we're talking about what's the level of control that we're able to exert over the day, would be low, For some of us, it's hard to even imagine, but many people do this and it works better for them. And that's to hand it off. It can sound impossible to do safely, but maybe if your allergens are rare or they're among the ones that are more simple to manage. Or if you have someone that just really gets it and you trust completely. Even if your anxiety is really high sometimes, if you have trust in that specific person or that specific resource, the best thing you can do is to hand it off to someone else so you aren't stressing. So sometimes this looks like a restaurant that is amazing with allergies or with a certain allergen. Going to a restaurant or a caterer that is known for being super allergy friendly. They absolutely get your allergens. They have confirmed that your allergens are those that they can work with and you outsource it all. Of course, it can be expensive, but all these holiday foods are expensive. Let's be honest, groceries aren't cheap. So, sometimes this is really worth the cost, and everyone can just show up and have fun and enjoy. This can also be someone cooking for you, who's great, who likes to cook, who has the time and the space and the freedom in their home to do it or to cook it and bring it to another place where they're gathering. and they can check in and verify with you if necessary, throughout the process to help put your mind at ease. Again, for some of us, this sounds impossible, but some people have a really great, Mom who is willing to do the whole meal Probably someone who's already familiar with the allergens and cooking for the person with allergies already Very generously to make it all. It sounds counterintuitive But if your reaction as a person with allergies or as a parent with a child with allergies is really really highly anxious And you can be really preoccupied with worries each step of the way. This can actually be a better option sometimes because it allows you to take it completely out of your brain with someone that you trust to manage it. And it feels better that way. So again, Most likely. The approach that you use on the right will be somewhere across from where most of your answers were on the left in terms of the level of concern that you have. But as I mentioned, sometimes it's not. Sometimes if the anxiety is sky high, the best thing to do is find a very clearly safe and trusted source and let them take care of everything. While you're trying to make this decision, of course, you have to gauge the responses of the people around you as you're trying to arrange this. So if you ask and somebody is appalled that you would suggest changing family traditions, they will not cut out a certain food that is unsafe for you or your child to be around. That would ruin the holiday. Then obviously they have given you the gift of a very clear sign that collaborating on the meal for your safety or your child's safety It's probably not going to work out well. And of course, even when people have the best of intentions, when we ask them to change things or do things in a different way, there are going to be difficult feelings around it. So it's important to acknowledge that and to make space for people to express them. But it's also important for you to acknowledge the way that people's responses make you feel in terms of if they take you seriously, if your feelings and your ability to relax and enjoy the holiday matters to them, so you can factor that in and try to do it in a way that doesn't allow other people's responses to spoil your holiday for you. You can make a note to deal with the feelings later, commit to focusing on the plan for now, and then adjusting accordingly in the future, depending on how things go with them. Regardless of what you're going to be asking, it's important for you to think ahead to what the boundaries will have to be in order for you to feel safe and to communicate them clearly to the people who are going to be involved. People have a lot of misunderstandings around the word boundary, but I want to be clear about what I mean when I talk about boundaries. Boundaries are the lines we draw or the circles we draw around ourselves. Which say this is the space it is safe and comfortable for me to interact with you and I get to be Around you or spend time with you in a way that works for me It doesn't mean that people have to step into that space. You're just letting them know where that space is So in other words if you tell someone You absolutely Need a holiday without these foods Anywhere present in that meal, then you're expressing your boundary Whatever your boundary is, it is your job to hold to it and enforce it, not other people's job to obey it. If you state it very clearly to them, the next step is to decide what you're going to do if people don't adhere to that boundary. Unfortunately, if you have communicated that you need a holiday without these foods present in any of the food, and you show up, and it turns out that someone did put it in one of the meals, what are you going to do? There's no right or wrong answer to this, but you should think ahead so that you have a plan which will make you feel less anxious about what you're going to do if that thing that you worry about happens. So if everyone agreed to make food and bring dishes that don't have any nuts in them, but then you show up and aunt so and so made a delicious peanut butter chocolate pie, what are you going to do? Are you going to leave? Some people would, and that's okay. Some people would might then say. We can't have any dessert and leave it at that. And that's perfectly safe for the child. Again, there might be hurt feelings or there might be some communication necessary with the person who made that food to make things safer in the future. But it's up to you to determine what the response is going to be. That specific example could yield a lot of different responses from people from angrily storming out to having a really kind conversation with her about what had been talked about before the holiday. It sounds silly, but some people forget that no nuts also includes no peanut butter, you can factor all that into the decision later. You really have to know what you're going to do in order to maintain your safety if things don't go according to plan. Sometimes that can be really dramatic, but oftentimes it's just a simple decision of we're not going to eat that or we're not going to stay as long. We're going to leave before dessert but the hurt feelings, around this stuff are very common. There are things that we can work through. So try not to let. other people's feelings, the guilt or the feelings of obligation, people trying to pressure you into making a decision or doing the day in a way that you're not comfortable with. No food or tradition is more important than you or your child's safety. So don't ever let guilt or feelings of obligation pressure you into making a decision that you aren't comfortable with or certain about, but at the same time, be careful to distinguish between your anxiety and what's actually necessary for safety. If there is something you aren't sure about or are worried is not okay. Instead of completely shying away from that and saying, no, we can't do that. Consider trying to solve the problem or looking into it to get more information and to get a definitive answer rather than always choosing to avoid. It can also be helpful to put it back on the person who is asking if they are asking for something that you're not comfortable with. Sometimes this is a really helpful way to educate them about what they might not know. I appreciate you asking. I haven't actually picked up a box of that in a while and read the ingredients. Would you mind taking a picture and sending it to me and we can read it together and decide if we think it's going to be safe? Something like that shows that you're trying to be open to the idea. You are appreciating that someone's trying to contribute or provide something for you and work with you and check in with you about something. But with a less direct and blunt no than sometimes we're tempted to do on the other hand Sometimes a very direct no is the most appropriate and helpful and clear thing So sometimes you can just make a blanket statement and tell everyone don't bring any food. I'm doing everything or Especially if you have younger children don't feed him. Nobody can give him food Whatever it is. You're going to do. However, it is you've decided you're gonna lay out this day and approach it Then, practice saying the things that you know you're going to have to say that day. Rehearse a line that you or that your child can say and that will feel confident about reminding everybody, however it is you've decided to make the day. Thank you, but he brought all of his own safe food. He's just going to eat what we made today to make sure that we don't have any issues with reactions. This could also sound something like, I appreciate you trying to include me, but I know you'd feel really badly if something made me sick. It looks delicious, but I'm really just focused on being able to relax and enjoy the day with all of you without worrying about the food. So I'm going to just eat this thing that I know that is safe for me. if you really struggle with this piece of getting family or your support system on board, this is something we'll be talking about more in the future. I'll be doing an episode on developing the support system around you to help you manage your allergies and your anxiety around your allergies so that you do have people to rely on and don't feel like you're carrying the whole world on your shoulders. So if you don't have that in place for this year, note that, and then remember that we can change it in the future. You can change the relationships. You can get people in a better place where they are more educated or more willing to help you and more understanding of what it is you need. But in the meantime, just remember that it isn't your job to educate everyone about food allergies to convince them to believe you to force them to be supportive or make them celebrate a holiday in the way that works for you. It's just your job to figure out what works for you and keep yourself and your child safe. Whatever it is you decide to do, make your choices for this year and then do the work to get your anxiety about it under control and enjoy the day. So leading up to the event, you can do things like visualizing the day going well, sitting calmly, breathing deeply, closing your eyes, and picturing your family laughing and relaxing together. People being supportive of you. Picture the smile on your child's face when they sit down to a meal that they know is safe for them and they look calm and at ease. Or imagine the feeling in your own body. Of maybe the weight being lifted off of something that you're not sure about. And you, you aren't sure how to navigate and how it would feel to just say, no, you can use this throughout any phase of the planning process to help you decide what's going to be right for you sitting down and picturing it and connecting with your body and how that feels and if it feels like the right decision for you and then to lead up to the holiday to reduce the anxiety anytime you start to feel overwhelmed if you're worried thoughts get away from you or if you're just feeling stressed about how it's going to go. You can do this on the day of the holiday, at the beginning of the day, when you wake up, before you leave, on the drive to wherever you're going, or before people arrive, and then throughout the day, anytime you feel the stress rising. And then also remember to manage your expectations. It will not be picture perfect, and I think it's important to remind you that nobody's holiday is. Everyone has challenges with the holidays. They are notoriously difficult for people, not just those of us managing food allergies. It's unfortunate, but it's true. So sometimes when we feel really stuck and feeling like this is unfair, why are we the only ones who can't just go somewhere and show up and eat and enjoy the day? You're not in our case, it might be that someone might make a hurtful comment, intentionally or unintentionally. Your dish might not turn out. Everyone might not like the way something tastes with your safe substitute. But if everybody ends the day safe and fed, then consider it a success. And always the most important thing, have that epi ready. Use it if it's needed. Don't hesitate to use it. And keep the knowledge that you always have it with you to remind you that you know what to do to give you a sense of safety and control and to help you manage your anxiety for the day. And if you need to revisit that episode about epinephrine and our confidence around it, this is a great time to go back and do that. No matter how the day unfolds, remember that what you do this year, or even what you have always done, isn't forever. So do the best you can this year, or even just for this holiday. once the day is over and the stress has faded a little bit, assess how it went, what you'd like to change in the future, what went well, what didn't work. If there are parts of the day that weren't great, and Or didn't feel good, make a note of it and set a goal for shifting that piece of the day in the future. Even if you don't know how to do it yet, just acknowledge that it's something that you can work on long term. Then in time, you can have conversations with your family and friends about the events. You can get their ideas for how to address these issues. That aspect of the family traditions, you can ask other allergy families in real life or online, you can give yourself a whole year until that comes back around again to figure out a new plan and come up with a different way to try to approach that thing in a way that feels better. Try not to get stuck in the black or white thinking of what you've always done, how it has to be, or that what you do now or this year has to be forever. Get as flexible as you can with your thinking about it. Acknowledge and remind yourself that dealing with the holidays and special occasions and all aspects of food allergy management will be a continually shifting process throughout life.

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Thank you. You for listening and I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday season. Three things. That you can do to help make that happen. Are. Number one, get out some. Paper and write down the exercise that I described throughout the episode. Sometimes. I'm seeing things on paper helps us to clarify our solidify ideas. And our minds in a different way. Number two, ask someone for. For help. So many of us have trouble letting other people support us in the ways that we need. Whether you want to do it all, but just want someone to listen to you. Vent. Or someone. I can do something specific to make the day work for you. Practice asking openly and giving people the chance to. To support you. Number three. If this episode was helpful to you, here's a reminder to subscribe. So you won't miss an episode and please share it with anyone who might find it helpful. Uh, it means so much to me that you spend time with me and this holiday. Season, I'm thankful to all of you who have been listening along the way. the content of this podcast is for informational and educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any questions about your own medical experience or mental health needs, please consult a professional. I'm Dr. Amanda White house. Thanks for joining me. And until we chat again, remember don't feed the fear.